Deep Dissatisfaction
I have a deep dissatisfaction with life.
I want something I can't have, I have something I don't think I want and I keep thinking” Life should be more exciting than it is!"
I wish I had a sense of purpose that made all things unsatisfactory in my life pale in comparison. I remember a time when I was a teenager and young adult. Life seemed full of excitement. So many new things to experience. It was great. Now that I'm approaching 40 everything seems so much the same. Things are rarely new.
Dating used to be fun and now it seems like one disappointment after another. You really want to believe something will work out but experience has proven time-and-time again that you should NOT put your hope there.
Once again, I'm on the verge of ending a new relationship. He is distant and unavailable when I most want him around. I don't believe there is anyone else he is seeing. I've gotten the impression HIS life is rather important to him and I just need to fit into it when it works out best for him. I don't like the arrangement.
My base rule is if a guy wants to date me he must contact me/take me out at least once a week. (If a guy can connect with me once a week he is not worth my time and affection.) I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a month now and I think we should see each other more than that. However, he is going to his lake cottage the entire 4th of July weekend and the following weekend. I'm NOT invited. This is lame. It would be nice to be invited up just for the day but it is very apparent he really doesn't need me that much. I need to be needed. I don't think it is too much to ask.
I've always heard about bitchy women who demand their man's time. I don't want to be one of them. I really believe that when you are in a relationship that you must have time apart to pursue your own interests and have your own identity. That makes things interesting. However, what is the proper about of space vs. time together that is the correct mix? There is no definitive answer here. It must be determined by each person and they must be confident enough to state their concerns and act accordingly. It appears I need to act because I am SO unhappy.
I know there has to be a man out there that really loves me and wants to spend time with me. Someone that encourages me and lets me knows they like me being in "their world". Someone who pursues me and lets me know they miss me. I don't think that is too much to ask for. I would offer the same to the person I care about. I've just lost hope that will happen for me.
So.... this is my life for the moment. I must accept the deep dissatisfaction and figure out how I will make things better. I can appreciate all I do have. And I do have a lot of good things in my life. However, I don’t have the one thing I want the most.
Should I even continue to hope?
posted by Laura Gabriel @ 1:35 PM
2 Comments:
Yes, I'm disappointed and sad.
However, as I think about it more I'm just scared. I'm scared of another relationship not working out. Sometimes I just want to run away so I don't have to be disappointed again. It is funny but it feels better to leave than to be left.
Angela is right, I need to give it more time. He is a good person. I just need to trust a little bit more. I will try to hope.
Hi, I just read your blog about Your grandparents Walter Ash and his wife. I moved to Plymouth in 1959 and lived there until 1977. Your grandfather was very well known to me as my dad used to go to his Gas Station for gas and to have his car oil changed. He and Smitty were the two men I recall vividly. Living in Plymouth back then was like living in Andy Griffith's Mayberry! We all knew your grandfather.. and the various business owners like our own family. Your grandfather was a gentle giant! The Detroit News paper route building was across the street from your grandfathers gas station. Your grandfather had an old fashioned coke machine there, and whenever we would stop by to buy a coke, your grandfather would always say hello. I was saddened to read of his passing in your blog, but was happy to see that both he and his wife passed on the same day. My father today is 93, and still talks of taking his car to the Walter Ash Shell station in Plymouth. Great article about a fine Grandfather!
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